Let Go
by Fading wind
Summary: Edward Elric tries to let go. [postmovie] [RoyEd] [SPOILERS for movie]


Title: Let Go  
Genre: Romance/Angst  
Pairing: Roy x Edward, with mentions of Edward x OC  
Summary: Edward Elric tries to let go of his past.  
Warnings: Implied M/F sex. Nothing explicit. Mentions of shounen-ai, which is boy/boy, so if you don't like, then don't read.  
Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist doesn't belong to me. But I am content as a fanfiction writer, thanks.

**Let Go**

"Let go, brother," Alphonse tells him softly. "You can't live like this forever. You know that."

"I'll try," he replies after a moment of hesitation. But he really doesn't know how to let go. He doesn't want to admit to his brother that he _has _been trying to let go all this time, only it never works.

Maybe he'll just have to try harder.

---

A few months later, he finds a nice girl that he quite likes. She isn't too pretty, but she smiles in a way that makes Edward want to smile too. Edward doesn't need a glamorous star. All he needs is someone to hold onto and smile at. She suits him.

They go on a few dates together. When they kiss for the first time, Edward holds back, and his wall remains, as solid as ever. He sees the gleam of a fire beyond those bricks, and he is cold, but he refuses to reach out and warm himself by that fire. He is afraid that he'll burn, like he did before. The gleam of the fire is different, though, different from the one he knows and remembers so well. _That _fire was a totally different colour altogether, a much darker red flare, almost like blood. This fire is a light, warm orange.

It looks harmless, and somewhere inside him Edward knows he will not burn even if he dived into the middle of the flames, but he continues to deny that warmth. He curls up behind his wall, his eyes closed, and tries to get rid of the image of those other flames burned into his retina. Dark, dark red, like blood, hot and fierce, leaping out at him. He is their prey. A willing prey. They lick at his skin, setting him on fire, and he feels alive as he burns. They snatch him away, and he drowns further into the furnace, burning, burning all the time.

He suddenly snaps out of his trance to see brown eyes looking at him with concern. "You passed out, Edward," the voice sounds vague and distant, and Edward's ears just barely manage to catch it.

He can hear a clock ticking somewhere, and minutes seem to have gone by before Edward realizes what his girlfriend has said to him. "Did I?" he says in a hoarse voice. "I'm sorry."

"What are you apologizing for, Ed?" the girl asks. "You didn't pass out on purpose, silly. There's nothing to be sorry for. Are you feeling okay? Do you feel ill? Do you need to see the doctor?"

Edward waves off her questions. "No, I'm perfectly fine. I'm just slightly tired, that's all."

"You should go home and take a rest," the girl advises, helping him up.

"No. What about our date?" Edward questions, worried that his girlfriend is angry at him for ruining their date by passing out just as they were kissing for the first time.

"It's okay. I don't mind. We can always have another one, right? You really do need a rest. Your health is more important. Come on, I'll take you home." She smiles at him assuringly, and Edward smiles back almost reflexively. Together, they walk back to Edward's house.

"Goodbye, Veronica. I'll phone you later, 'kay?" Edward says before closing the door.

He heads towards his bedroom and collapses onto his bed with a thankful sigh.

When Alphonse asks later, he replies, "All went well, Al."

---

When Edward makes love to her for the first time, his world feels like it's been turned upside down.

Nothing feels the same. Veronica cries his name out over and over again. And he listens helplessly, the sound hurting his ears. The fire's there, but he still shrinks back, still isn't brave enough to let any of the flames touch him. His senses are numbed, and all he feels is emptiness. So much emptiness. Does he actually exist? He wonders, as the pain eats his heart away.

"Ed!"

He has to bite his tongue till it bleeds to stop himself from calling out a name. Not her name, Veronica, but another name. His mind is already screaming. Screaming for the person he truly needs and will never be able to have anymore.

He doesn't know whether he is crying all not. If he is, it is impossible to tell the tears from the sweat, and he is glad for that, because he doesn't want Veronica to see his weakness.

When it is over, Veronica smiles at him and says, "I love you." He looks at that sweet smile, and his world collapses round him, because he is unable to smile back. His throat is dry and it _hurts_, but he manages to work his jaw and say, "I love you" back to her. He feels a bitter, metallic taste in his mouth as he speaks and with a shock he realizes it's the blood from earlier on.

Every part of his body is aching. Even his mind, his heart. He can't tell if the pain is physical or mental. Maybe it's both. He hardly cares. He looks at his girlfriend and finds her asleep. Her sleeping face is a wonder to look at. She isn't a pretty girl, but as she dreams her face is almost _angelic,_ in all its peace and happiness. She seems to be glowing.

But this face is nothing. Nothing compared to _his _face. Edward must say that he will never describe _his _face as angelic or anything close to that, but it is a unique face that only belonged to _him_ and no one else. A face that he _loved_. Yes, 'loved', that is the word. He's almost forgotten what that word means.

It's strange. But he has forgotten a lot of other things too. This isn't the first, and it won't be the last either. He has a lot more to forget.

---

A few months later, they break up, and Edward doesn't know why. He only remembers Veronica saying things like, "You always look so faraway", "You never listen to me", "You never tell me things; you're always hiding secrets from me", and "You don't love me."

She's right, he thinks. He doesn't love her, really. When they started, he had thought he loved her, but that thought vanished somewhere along the way. He doesn't remember when. Was it the time when he failed to smile at her when she was smiling that irresistible smile? Or was it another time? Eventually, he gives up trying to remember.

He doesn't love her, and that's that.

---

"You have to let go, brother. Honestly," Alphonse tells him, more firmly.

And this time, Edward doesn't say, "I'll try." Because then he'll be lying. He can _never _let go, no matter how hard he tries. So instead he says the truth, "I can't. I'm sorry."

At first, Alphonse looks like he is going to argue with that, but then a sad smile drifts onto his face. "I guess I can understand, brother..." He is talking about Winry, and Ed knows. "I... I'm sorry for making you try, when I couldn't either. But I was just concerned for you. You know that, right?"

"Of course, Al. You're my brother. It's okay to be worried. But, it's not like I'm not happy, right? I'm coping with life fine as it is. Having someone else just makes it worse for me. It's a lot better to just be alone without someone to bring back the memories."

Alphonse nodded. "Yes, you're right, brother." He pauses thoughtfully, looking at the two pictures on the wall. These pictures are the creations of Ed and Al. They had drawn out the people they loved, because they didn't have photographs of them.

The picture on the left shows a girl with long, fair hair, tied into a ponytail and big, light-coloured eyes. Al had drawn a wrench next to the face. The picture on the right shows a man with short, dark hair and narrow dark eyes. It isn't a very a good drawing, but Edward is no artist. Next to the face is a glove with a alchemy array on it. The array is the best-drawn part of the picture.

"It's really hard to forget, isn't it?" Al says after a while. "I'm still trying my best to forget, but it doesn't work."

"I've given up," Ed states simply. "It's easier."

Al blinks at him, then his tight lips breaks into a small smile. "You may be right, brother."

Edward smiles back. He knows his own limits. If it's impossible to forget Roy Mustang, then he won't bother to try.

**The End**

**A/N: **Ah, post-movie angst is always the best. I made the ending sound happier though. :D It's been exactly one year since I watched my first FMA episode! Quite a long time, isn't it...? When I think about school, that time seems even longer. xD I hate school. Anyway, I hope you liked this. Please read & review!


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